As a sex therapist and founder of GoodinBed.com as well as the author of numerous bookson the subject of pleasuring, such as She Comes First, I guess you could say Ihave one thing on my mind. Sex is pretty much all I think about and talk about all day(and if I’m lucky, I also get to do it with my wife). Over the years, I’velearned a thing or two about how to pleasure a woman, so without further ado, here are my10 “best practices” for being truly good in bed.1- Think like a “knob,” not a “switch.”When comparing male and female sexuality, there’s no shortage of adages: “Menare like light switches -- just flip them on, and they’re ready to go. Women arelike knobs -- you can turn them up and down.” Or as Dr. Emily Nagoski writes in theGood in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, “Men are like driving standardtransmission -- if you move through the gears in the right order, you will get where youwant to go. Women are like baking a soufflé -- the outcome depends on theingredients and the chef, sure, but it also depends on the reliability of the oven,the altitude, the humidity of the day… more variables, more variability.” Inshort, think of foreplay as a 24-hour experience that happens both in and out of thebedroom. Sex is all about context. And while it may take very little to rev your engine,remember that she probably needs to simmer.2- When you’re getting it on, make sure she’s completely relaxed andcomfortable.Researchers in the Netherlands have found that the key to getting a woman turned on andto the heights of orgasmicbliss is a deep sense of relaxation and a lack of anxiety. Brain scans showed that theparts of women’s brains responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion sloweddown the more aroused they became, producing a trancelike state at orgasm. Men showed farless change in these regions. “What this means is that deactivation, letting go ofall fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have anorgasm,” says the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Gert Holstege.3- Take the time to figure out what works.Every woman is different, and most women don’t even orgasm the first couple oftimes they’re with a guy. A woman has to feel comfortable, and a guy has to figureout what makes her tick sexually. Some women love wet, sloppy kisses; other womenfind saliva a total turnoff. Some women love lots of breast stimulation; other womencan’t stand it at all. Some women love to be on top in bed; others love missionarystyle. Some women respond to intense clitoral stimulation; others require very little.Some women have an innate capacity to experience multiple orgasms; others are more likeguys -- they roll over, and they’re ready to go to sleep. Figure out a sex scriptthat works, and stick to it. Sure, familiarity can breed boredom, but it can also yieldconsistent orgasms.4- Once you know what works, wrap it in something fresh: fantasy.A healthy fantasylife is one of the keys to a great sex life -- even when your partner might not alwaysplay the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when theyare intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable. Along with thisintimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about otherpeople, places and situations. One study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. HaroldLeitenberg found that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexualsatisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. If you need some ideas, check out our Goodin Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex, in which we offer a different sexy scenariofor every week of the year.5- Play to your strengths.Very few guys make love like porn stars, nor should we. We live in the real world, and weall have sexual strengths and weaknesses. For example, I suffered from premature ejaculationfor years and compensated with oral sex. Some men suffer from erectile disorder on aregular basis, and some guys have a smaller-than-average penis. Develop “sexscripts” -- paths to pleasure -- that play to your strengths. And be willing tocommunicate. As Dr. Madeleine Castellanos writes in her guide to Male SexualIssues, “Wouldn’t it be great if penises could talk -- honestly andclearly -- about their feelings, especially when it comes to issues in the bedroom?”Most women don’t know how to “speak penis,” so give them a clue.
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