At AskMen, we strive to beexperts on all topics of concern to men. But sometimes expertise is no substitute forexperience, which is when we turn to our readers. Do you have advice to help your fellowmen become better men? Do you have unique knowledge or perspective that we should sharewith our 15 million monthly readers? Send us an email at editorial@askmen.com, and we may do justthat.This week’s user submission is from Kirk Thurbide.As I approach fatherhood, I find myself spendingmore time thinking about and trying to understand my own father so I can better relate tomy child. I think this is quite normal. As men, we spend a lifetime trying to understandour fathers. We learn and continually relearn lessons from them throughout our lives. Myfather passed away when I was in my teen years, but I often wonder how I might relate tohim now, as an adult with my own family. Over the years, my opinions and views of myfather have changed greatly, and the revelations of why my father did certain things arebecoming more frequent and clear as I make my way.The Psychology Behind Father-Son RelationshipsIndeed, we do learn more about our fathers and how to relate to them as we getolder. Dr. D. Charles Williams has identified five predictable stages that can occur in the waythat sons related to their fathers throughout their lives with the acronymIDEAL. 1. Idolize: This refers to ourchildhood view of our fathers, when they seem invincible.2. Discord: This occurs during therebellious teen years, when we typically want to be nothing like our fathers.3. Evolving: Duringyoung adulthood, our difference or contempt turns into something more likecompetition.4. Acceptance:Occurs during our 30s and 40s when we let go of old hurts and acknowledgeour father’s positive traits. Friendship often begins to evolve in this stage.5. Legacy:In our 50s, we will recognize that we are a living product of our fathersinfluence. Of course,everyone’s experience is not the same and cannot be tied up into a neat formula.But I believe the search for understanding is something that is common to all sons,whether you grew up in a made-for-TV nuclear family or without yourfather in your life at all. You want to know about who you are, and part of that includes understanding who your father is. Fathers Are People TooThere is no simple way to relate to your father as an adult. The make-up of anyindividual is multi-faceted, and recognizing that our fathers are much more than theunilateral role we have known them in is a great way to start to relate. As adults, wegain a greater insight and understanding into our fathers, not just as fathers but asindividuals. This understanding of how your father became who he is can yield clarity, perspective and respect, so take time to get to know your father -- to really know him.Get him to tell you stories about his life. Ask questions that help you build a biggerpicture of the man.Want a more rewarding father-son relationship? Readon...
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